Life is not a Bed of Roses
by Aries Draco
Summary: Just ask Yazoo. It doesn't help to be the only relatively sane one in your little dysfunctional family. Chapter 4: the face of an angel and the dress sense of a blind monkey.
1. sexy bastard

Life is Not a Bed of Roses

01: Sexy Bastard

He could still remember the first time they met. It wasn't pleasant. He had just trashed his room and somehow managed to start a fire so the cell was utterly gutted. This led to a scolding and a very thoughtful looking doctor. Who decreed that henceforth, Yazoo would be housed with Loz.

He very nearly broke the arm of the lab assistant who tried to put him into the room with that… that pathetic little creature. Even at that tender age, he knew trouble when he saw it and Loz spelt T-R-O-U-B-L-E with bright neon letters. The entire curling-up-in-bed-I'm-so-sad image just made him cringe.

Somehow, he got shut in anyway. And that quivering bundle of rags stared at him until he sighed and gruffly introduced himself.

No response.

He went over to the bed, the bed he was going to take over, and the boy shied away from him, pressing up against the wall. Then, their eyes met.

He could still remember the first word that Loz said to him, something that made everything suddenly seem okay.

"Aniki…"

It really wasn't too bad, because though Loz tended to cry a lot, Yazoo usually managed to shut him up pretty quickly. Back then, Loz was such a little boy, tiny and frail and all _dependent_.

"Yazooooooooooooo!" called Kadaj, voice rising into a whine, startling the older man out of his reverie. "Loz is making funny sounds and I can't sleep!"

Yazoo stared at his youngest brother. "What do you want me to do?" he asked finally, getting up from his watch position and stretching.

"Go shut him up?" suggested Kadaj, pouting adorably at his elder brother.

Yazoo stifled a sigh. "Why don't you just do it yourself?"

"Because he's making _funny_ sounds," replied Kadaj somberly, as though reporting something of great import. Seeing that Yazoo was about to refuse flatly and send him back to sleep, Kadaj narrowed his eyes. "And I _order_ you to go shut him up for me."

And Yazoo did sigh because he knew it was going to happen anyway. "Alright, alright, I'll go talk to him. Go back to sleep."

The boy grinned happily at him and pranced off, back to his sleeping bag. Even though Yazoo was not the most outspoken nor the most pleasant person to have around, he usually got the job done ok.

Yazoo stretched, noting to his satisfaction that there was no cracking of bones whatsoever. Then he headed off in the direction of Loz's sleeping bag. Kadaj was right, Loz was making funny sounds. He walked up to the sleeping bag and prodded it gently with his foot.

"Loz."

All he got was a… wait a moment, was that a…!

"Loz!" he yelled, kicking the prone bag none too gently.

Bleary eyes fluttered open. "Mrew?"

"What exactly were you dreaming of?" demanded Yazoo, thankful of the low light in the area.

"You…" mumbled Loz, still half asleep. He turned over in the sleeping bag, making a contented sound.

He did not want to know. Honestly, he didn't. Except that he had to. He reached down and yanked his brother up by the collar. And promptly dropped him. Ow. He had forgotten how big Loz was now. At least that woke him up.

"Yazoo?" mumbled Loz, rubbing his eyes. "I thought my watch was over?"

"What were you dreaming about, Loz?" asked Yazoo again, kneeling down beside his brother. Once upon a time, it would have been concern that spread across his face; at that moment, it was impatience. Because he needed to know what Loz meant by 'you'.

The question seemed to wake the larger man fully, which was not a good sign. When Loz turned an odd shade of red, Yazoo just knew that he had been right the moment he laid eyes on that little boy ages and ages ago. Loz was trouble. And there was going to be trouble.

"Iwasdreamingaboutyou," said Loz extremely quickly. "Andwewereinbedandwewerefucking."

There was a moment of silence as Yazoo processed this. Then he said very calmly, "You have three seconds. Run."

Loz was already a couple of hundred meters away by then. Yazoo counted to two, then pulled Velvet Nightmare.

"It isn't my fault!" yelled Loz over his shoulder while dodging bullets.

"What do you mean, it isn't your fault?" demanded Yazoo, striding forward and reloading without missing a beat. "We're brothers! We've been sharing the same bed for years! And you were having a…" his voice faltered for a moment as he gathered himself. "You were having a wet dream about me, you sicko! How do you think I feel about that? Now I'm going to wonder about every time we were together on the same bed!"

"Actually, it only started…"

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

Loz barely turned in time to avoid the gunblade slashing down toward his shoulder. "Well, it never would have happened if you weren't such a sexy bastard!" he bit out, twisting around to block the second slash. He took advantage of the split second of utter shock to pin his brother. Yazoo lashed out in return and they ended up on the forest floor, Loz on top, maintaining his hold.

There was silence, only broken by the sound of harsh breathing. After awhile, Yazoo winced.

"You're cutting off my circulation," he told Loz, voice a little raspy but mostly back to normal.

The larger man scrambled off quickly. "Sorry," said Loz quietly, suddenly looking like he was on the verge of tears. "I mean, I'm really sorry. About the dream and about everything and…"

"Aren't you going to help me up?" interrupted Yazoo, rubbing his wrists. Loz complied, looking a little surprised.

"You're not going to kill me, are you?" asked Loz in a small voice. "Because if you are, I have to start running again."

And Yazoo burst out laughing. He reached out and gave his brother a tight hug. "Loz, don't cry," he whispered, patting the man gently on the back. "Don't worry. You're right, it isn't your fault. We're all so fucked up I don't think I should have been surprised."

"Aniki…"

He hadn't heard that in awhile, not since they'd found Kadaj. It made him grin in spite of himself.

"Don't worry, I know exactly what you need," he told his brother. Upon getting a quizzical look, he laughed. Careful listeners would detect a note of hysteria mixed with mania. "You need a woman, Loz, and we shall get you one at the next village we visit."


	2. tinkle is the sound of glass breaking

Life is Not a Bed of Roses

02: Tinkle is the Sound of Glass Breaking

He flicked another rock at the window, pleased that it didn't break this time. He would get out of bed but there was too much glass on the floor. He could have cleaned it up, but why bother when he had_ 'minions'_ brothers to do it? Speaking of which…

Kadaj rolled over onto his stomach, scowling. Yazoo had politely requested an absence of leave that morning when he was still half-awake and prone to agreeing to anything just to continue sleeping. The bastard. Not only that, he had dragged Loz along with him, so Kadaj was left with no source of amusement for the day.

What the hell were they up to anyway? The teen sniggered into his hand as his imagination provided some suggestions. Yazoo did say something about solving some problem pertaining to Loz. Probably because of the incident last night with the funny sounds. He wasn't sure what went on since he slept like the dead till daybreak after getting Yazoo annoyed at him.

It was the little things in life that mattered. Besides Mother, of course. Getting a rise out of Yazoo was fourth on his list of 'favorite things to do'. He even had a little scoring system that involved the ratio the number of words and complexity of action to the level of annoyance he got out of his brother.

So far, his record was two sentences and a level nine.

He had a strange feeling that it would be his lucky day today.

Yazoo sneezed explosively. Odd. He didn't have allergies, as far as he knew, and it wasn't as if he could fall sick. When no suitable explanation came to mind, he dismissed it as a fluke and went back to the task at hand.

They were seated comfortably in the corner of some pathetic excuse for a bar. It was too early in the day for many customers, so they were pretty much left alone after getting their drinks. Coke for both, though Yazoo had quietly motioned for a bottle of vodka to be passed to him while Loz was distracted. He sincerely hoped that he wouldn't be needing it.

"Okay, so look at these pictures and tell me which type appeals to you," he told Loz, handing over the deck of cards. They were poker cards, 'The Best of Honeybee', and he honestly had no idea when he lifted them from some drunk sod ages ago. He was half-embarrassed and half-thankful that he kept them, though.

"But they have no clothes on!" protested Loz, a little too loudly for comfort.

Yazoo winced and glanced around discreetly to see if anyone heard. As if their hair wasn't drawing enough attention. "Just look through them and tell me if you see anything you like," he hissed quietly.

"I don't like any of them," said Loz after a moment, putting the cards aside.

"What?"

"They're all scary."

"WHAT!"

Oh dear, not that teary-eyed look again. Yazoo tried again. "Why do you think they are scary?" he asked, telling himself to be understanding because Loz could be such an innocent.

"Because they are not like Mother."

Loz blinked at his brother. Yazoo was making an odd sound that could have been laughter but looked more like a scream of pain.

"Yazoo…"

One slitted eye gazed up at him through the curtain of silver hair.

"Why do you carry cards of naked women around with you?"

Yazoo learnt that hitting the table with his face was more painful than it sounded.

Time for plan B.

There was a room for rent near the outskirts of the village. Yazoo had noted it the moment they'd entered. It was perfect for plan B, but he'd really, really hoped that plan B would remain just that: a plan. But no, Loz was always making things more troublesome than they had to be, so here they were with that freaky old lady giving them the nudge-nudge-wink-wink.

Yazoo made a mental note to raze the village after they were done. And to kill the woman personally, because the way she looked at him convinced him that he could never feel clean again. Thank goodness Loz was oblivious to the looks.

The bed, in a word, sucked, but fortunately, they were not here to use it. They were here for a lesson. A lesson that Yazoo had been hoping never to have to teach. It was a wonder that Loz didn't already pick some of this up during their 'childhood', but then again, Loz had always been a little oblivious.

That was why he could be so cute sometimes.

Yazoo shook his head to clear it. Right. On with the… lesson. He took the cards out again, Loz giving him a weird look.

"You still haven't answered my question," reminded Loz. "Where did you get those things?"

Yazoo felt his face heating up. "I stole them. And before you say anything, I was looking for poker cards, not porn."

His brother looked almost thoughtful for a moment. "But you kept them…"

"For this purpose, in case it ever came to this," interjected Yazoo smoothly, hoping that Loz wouldn't spot the obvious logical fallacy in the statement. "You have to learn not to be afraid of women, Loz, otherwise you'll always have this… problem."

"And Yazoo will get really angry again?"

The elder man grinned, teeth bared. "Yes, Yazoo will be fucking pissed," he informed Loz. "Now, let us begin."

He drew a random card and passed it over to his brother. "Tell me what you think of this one."

"…She looks like she wants to eat me."

"That's a good thing, my dear brother."

Loz stared at him as though he had gone insane. What is to say that he hadn't? But he knew that he was right and he was going to make sure that Loz knew that too.

"Here, have some vodka."

Five hours later, Yazoo felt that he was making considerable headway.

"S…sho gurls are, like, seriously weird, right?" asked Loz, staring at the ceiling with unfocussed eyes. "W… when they look sc… scary, they shup… shupposed to be shex… shexy. And nuffin' shuld… shuld stop me from enjoying the… their company."

"Good boy." He felt a little guilty about the killer hangover Loz would definitely be getting, but hey, that was the price of education, ay?

"But Yaz… Yazi… Ya… aniki is shexier than all those gurls," mumbled Loz. A drunken smile spread over his face. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of thems."

Yazoo twitched. Maybe he should just burn down the entire frikkin' house with Loz still inside.

He took a deep breath. "Mother, give me strength," he intoned. "For this CHILD is my brother and I sincerely do not wish to harm him."

Then he went downstairs and paid the freaky woman off, explaining that his brother was drunk and would be sleeping it off for the rest of the night. She smirked at him and his fingers twitched toward Velvet Nightmare. Fuck it all.

"You're back," stated Kadaj with some measure of disapproval in his voice.

Yazoo blinked as if seeing the room for the first time. "Why is there so much glass?" he mumbled before collapsing on the couch.

Kadaj peered at his brother quizzically. "Ne, what were you doing today?"

"Out with Loz, I told you," muttered the man, putting one arm over his eyes.

The teen stared at the man for a little while.

"I was really bored, you know?" he complained, though he looked more thoughtful than annoyed.

"What do you expect me to do about it?"

Another moment of silence.

"You know, I'm old enough. I don't mind if you guys want to screw in the next room or something."

"WHAT!"

20/8. Not bad.

"You don't have to run off on purpose, leaving me behind, all alone," continued Kadaj, a decidedly wicked look on his face.

"We're NOT sleeping together. For goodness's sake, we're BROTHERS!"

13/8. Cool, it was getting better and better.

"Whatever told you we were anyway?" demanded Yazoo, looking utterly pissed off and ready to practice ultra-violence on his youngest brother.

"Loz."

The angry expression melted off into one of sheer blankness.

Kadaj backed away slightly. Maybe he had gone overboard? Well, it was true! Anyone could see that the two of them were involved, right? And Loz said… "Yazoo, where are you going?"

"When I get to him," said the man calmly, enunciating each word. "I will make sure that he wishes that he was never conceived."

The door slammed, Kadaj still staring at it. Slowly, a wide grin spread over his face.

That was a 1/10.

A/N: Thank you for all the kind reviews! Kono watashi shall endeavor to update every week until this fic is done or until I run out of inspiration. In view of that, it shall probably be kept pretty short. Yazoo shall continue to get tortured, but I'm not sure if there will be any pairing at the end of this, though I do enjoy Yazoo/Loz (in that order, thank you very much).


	3. innocence is relative

Before anything else: I'M SO SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN WRITING! I hope this update will keep people happy for a little while more... >>

A/N: Okay, since most people got a little confused, Kadaj's little rating system goes like this: number of words to precipitate reaction/level of annoyance. Therefore, a 1/10 is better than a 1/5 or a 20/9. Hope that helps? ;;; Yaoi pairings usually go top/bottom.

Life is Not a Bed of Roses

03: Innocence is Relative

It had taken the liberal application of several heavy objects to Yazoo's head before he was ready to listen to a good reason why he should not have severed his brother's head from his body. As a consequence, he had not managed to raze the village and was in fact rather lost, considering that he had been unconscious for the span of a couple of days, during which Kadaj had taken the liberty of relocating them.

"Remind me again why I'm not even allowed to mutilate him?" muttered Yazoo, nursing a pounding headache.

"Because you work very well with him and you guys are pretty much useless apart," explain Kadaj in a patronizing tone of voice, a smirk playing over his face. "Besides, you love him that much, don't you?"

The older man twitched. Unfortunately, Velvet Nightmare had been temporarily confiscated. He was also made to take the lead, just so that Kadaj could keep him away from Loz. That was a good thing, right? Not that he wanted to be close to that infuriating... man, but hey, you can't kill someone without spilling blood. Well, you can't kill someone in an interesting way without spilling blood. In his opinion anyway.

"Alright, how about this: I'll talk to him and I promise to leave no permanent injuries."

"No breaking of limbs." DAMN. "No beating him up. No strangulation." Double DAMN. "And try not to screw him up too much."

"We are NOT SCREWING!"

"His mind, my brother, his mind," corrected Kadaj, grinning bemusedly at the agitated man. "Though it is strange that it is the first thing on your mind…"

The glare Yazoo sent him would have sent a lesser man running for a shovel to dig his own grave. Kadaj, however, merely smiled innocently at his elder brother and made a gesture as if to say, "Hey, I'm only stating facts here."

"It is on my mind," growled Yazoo between gritted teeth, "Because I want to know exactly what possessed my dear brother to pair me up with him."

"Surely it's because you're such a sexy bastard, Yazoo."

"Don't. Start."

Stifling a laugh, Kadaj picked up his cellphone and hit the autodial. "Loz, I think he's recovered enough," he said quietly. Then, "No, I don't plan on returning Velvet Nightmare to him anytime soon." And then a nervous laugh. "No, I don't think so. I mean, he wouldn't want to touch… What are you…? Never mind, I don't want to know."

Then he turned back to the road and to Yazoo, who had taken to glaring at the road in front. The view from here was, frankly, pretty good, and he could understand why Loz was interested. Heck, he'd probably be interested, if Loz hadn't freaked him out so much.

He'd known about this little crush since way, way back, because he'd woken up one night to find the larger man… doing some disturbing things that he had since blocked out of his memory. And since he found out, Loz found no reason not to tell Kadaj all about his weird and sexy dreams. In graphic detail.

If he hadn't forced himself to keep his mind clean, he'd probably have been doing some seriously odd stuff around Yazoo. Especially since he was in this position. Staring at Yazoo's back. Just his back. Really. His eyes were definitely not drifting lower and lower. Honest. And he was most assuredly not thinking of ways to get his brother to remove that bloody coat and to display that gorgeous leather-clad…

"Yazoo, there's an abandoned reactor up the road if you take the next left. We can take a break and you and Loz can have your little heart-to-heart," he called, before his mind could proceed any further.

If he had seen the look on Yazoo's face, that look of pure, triumphant evil… maybe he would have made a better decision. Or maybe he would have collapsed into a puddle of fanboyism. Who knew?

However, when they did come to the reactor and when Kadaj had made himself scarce muttering something about cosmic interference affecting his connection with mother, Yazoo found his anger swiftly disappearing.

It was difficult to remain in a rage when Loz stared at him like a puppy that knew it would be tortured, but remained standing firm because its owner said so. Now he was merely annoyed at himself for caving. Yazoo sighed loudly and sat down on a nice piece of rubble, motioning for his younger brother to sit beside him. Just not that close, thank you very much.

"Do you know why I'm extremely mad at you?" asked Yazoo as though speaking to a very small child.

Loz nodded meekly. "Because I like you very much."

Yazoo winced. When he put it that way… No. NO. "No, my dear brother, it's because you have sexual fantasies about me," he corrected, crossing his arms. "And you don't seem to want to change that, even though it's abnormal."

"Since when were we normal?" Loz looked over at him, looking as though he was trying not to cry.

"Well, we… I mean… it's…" Yazoo stammered. Damn it, he just couldn't concentrate when Loz was making _that_ face. He gave up, palm meeting forehead in a loud and painful gesture. "Look, I just don't like it, ok? It gives me the creeps. Why can't you find someone else to dream about?"

"Coz Kadaj is not as pretty as you."

"I SO AM!"

Yazoo stared at the now blushing boy, then shook his head. "Someone, please tell me that there has been a mistake," he muttered. "And that I'm not related to either of these people."

Ignoring the indignant 'Hey!' from Kadaj and Loz's rapidly watering eyes, he glared at the two of them before stalking off. At least they understood body language for 'leave me the fuck alone'.

-

Getting angry wasn't going to get anything done. Then again, neither he nor his progenitor was known for tolerance. He did, however, seem to have a shorter temper than the legendary Sephiroth. Or it could just be because of Loz. That troublesome, annoying, whining, emotional little boy. Not so little anymore, but no less trouble.

His trouble.

And that was the trouble. Because, against his will, he was beginning to see Loz as belonging to him. Not in the way that silly boy wanted to, either. It was the possessiveness born of being stuck together with a single someone for most of your life.

As loathed as he was to admit it, Loz was probably one reason why he was still (reasonably) sane. Dealing with a weepy little boy was a tiresome and distracting task. He simply never had the time nor the capacity to consider his life long enough to lose his sanity.

Now that they were out here, things had changed. He probably shouldn't have blamed his brother for inappropriate reactions. Different people reacted differently to situations, after all.

Having cooled down sufficiently, Yazoo settled into a suitably hidden corner.

First, a review of the situation. What could be causing Loz's little problem? Lack of exposure, for one. It was a little late to change that, if his little experiment told him anything. Lack of other partners. Brothers who were available.

Hey.

That was it! If he couldn't remove Loz from the picture, all he had to do was remove himself!

"Yazoo, you're a genius," he laughed, a borderline psychotic sound. Pulling out his deck of cards (yes, that one), he flipped through them until he came to one that he liked. Right. Showtime.

-

In the interim, Kadaj had bullied Loz into gathering firewood, building a fire, building a fire in the shape of Mother (though due to limitations in materials and imagination, it turned out rather like a giant burning squid), putting out said fires because the smoke could be seen from miles away and clearing away enough of the cinders so as not to choke on the dust.

Bothering Yazoo was so much more interesting.

It was at that moment when Yazoo decided to stumble back to them, looking oddly flushed. That was also the moment Kadaj decided on a new game, since he'd maxed out the score for his previous one.

"You look hot," he called out, sniggering inwardly at the anticipated response. It never came. Yazoo merely smiled serenely at him. And unzipped his jacket.

In all the time they had been together, he had never seen what Yazoo wore under that coat. Sure, he'd seen Yazoo in other getups (something that inspired him to insist on uniforms), but he never found out what Yazoo was wearing under that hot, leather coat. Now he knew.

Nothing.

Yazoo appeared not to notice that Kadaj was now staring at him with a glazed look that implied certain thoughts involving said coat, the removal of and a motorcycle.

"Yazoo? Are you still mad?" came Loz's voice. He took half a step back when his brother turned with the same, serene smile.

"I've figured it out," replied Yazoo.

Loz blinked at him. "Are you okay? You look a little…"

"I need to find her."

"Yaz…"

"Her!" yelled Yazoo, flashing the card at his brother. He grinned, a more familiar, cruel grin. "You see, since you don't want any of them, I figured, why don't I get one instead? Then you can turn your attentions to your gay brother."

"Hey! I'm not interested in guys!" protested Kadaj, snapping out of his reverie.

Yazoo shrugged back his coat a little more.

"… Fine. You win."

Huffily, Kadaj stormed over and peered at the card Loz was now holding.

"What has she got that we haven't?" muttered Kadaj.

"Boobs, for one. And a figure. A good figure."

Loz and Kadaj stared at the poker card a little longer.

"Alright, that's it. New rule: we're keeping it in the family."

-

A/N: ahaha… bows for forgiveness for the (sort of) cliff-hanger ending


	4. If clothes made a man

A/N: I know that two chapters back, I said I'd update weekly. This is not a week. Alright, no more empty promises. Just the truth.

I'M SORRY!!!!

In this ficcie, it is assumed that the clones grew up in a lab somewhere and had many years of past interaction. Somewhere in the process of writing chapter 3, I got my hands on the official English version of the movie. And I came to the conclusion that this is not the case.

I have issues with canonical correctness. So it gave me a serious case of writer's block, until I decided that I could just see this as an AU where the clones _did_ grow up in a lab somewhere, and use the canonical universe somewhere else.

Namely, **"Resonance"**, my other completely unrelated Advent Children fic that reflects my FFVII world theory. If you're interested in something more serious with a six-year old Loz, Cloud suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and Yazoo wanting to tear Sephiroth a new one, you can go check it out.

Life is Not a Bed of Roses

04: If clothes made a man… TAKE THAT OFF!

Someone peeped around the corner, looking out for the telltale flash of silver hair that meant his brothers were in the area. That particular someone had stuffed his own little silver waterfall up a ratty looking cap he'd lifted off some kid. With his hair hidden and uniform safely tucked away with his bike, he was quite certain that he wouldn't be recognised. For awhile, at least. But that was all the time he needed.

Stepping out from the little back alley, he adjusted his stolen clothes while fashionistas everywhere passed out in sheer horror. He was actually quite proud of his outfit, having browsed several clotheslines to pick it out. A grey t-shirt that might have been a rag in its previous life together with knee-length sunshine yellow and primary green striped shorts. The ratty cap that remembered being blue and red in its youth completed the rather sorry outfit, which he wore with his boots because shoes were difficult to find.

There was a symphony of shrill screams at the back of his head.

_"What was that about?"_ wondered Yazoo, not realising that he was hearing the screams of the myriad of fangirls who had just had their faith in the fashion sense of sexy bastards irreparably shattered.

It was the main reason behind Kadaj's insistence on uniforms.

But that was beside the point. The point of his little endeavor, which included disguises and hiding, was to get himself off the market.

Kadaj had been dead set against the very idea of it. It was two against one and had ended with Yazoo tied to his motorcycle without his lovely leather coat. It also resulted in the confiscation of the deck of cards, which wasn't really much of a loss. It was hardly possible that the Honeybee was still around after Midgar was effectively turned into a history lesson on 'why tinkering with alien cells is never a good idea'.

After some sweet-talking and suggestive grinding on the bike, he'd convinced those two salivating perverts to give him his coat back, whereupon he'd promptly hightailed out of there. Oh sure, they gave chase, but he was flying like the hoards of hell were at his heels. Which gave him enough time to find a little village to take a breather and search for a suitable partner.

_"Mother, I don't wish to complain but… I mean… I love my brothers as much as the next guy, but why couldn't they have been a little more… normal?"_ he asked fervently in his mind. _"I can take sibling rivalry. I can accept it if they want to one-up me or to kill me, but, dear Mother, INCEST?!"_

He figured that if he looked happy enough with a girl of his dreams, his brothers would be nice enough to take a step back and think about his happiness. And stop with the incestuous advances already! Loz could probably be guilted into it. Kadaj might be a little more of a problem, but somehow, it was less disturbing to imagine his littlest brother fantasizing about him.

Yazoo thought about that for a moment. Somehow, he had this feeling that their motorcycles would be involved. And, judging by the seemingly endless supply of chains Kadaj was able to produce on demand, probably bondage. A shudder went through our silver-haired protagonist. He was wrong. It was just as disturbing. Possibly more.

But he could worry about their reactions later. After all, the worst they could do would be to kill the girl. First, he had to find himself a girl who would be willing to be his girlfriend. Was that even possible?

Gearing himself up to go, he said a little prayer, "Oh, Mother, please let me find a girlfriend in this godforsaken village. Please let her have nice D-cups like the 8 of hearts of the Best of Honeybee. Also, a tight ass wouldn't hurt either. And I like black hair. As in, really. Long or short doesn't really matter, so long as it's natural."

Somewhere in the world, Jenova sighed and increased the psychic prodding on Kadaj's mind. She missed the days when all she had to listen to were plans for world domination and rants about a certain blonde.

-

For a moment, he was stunned. He'd thought that this was merely one of those no-name villages that popped up conveniently along wherever they were going, populated by one or two families who never showed their faces. Instead, he'd hit paydirt.

Girls. Plenty of them, in all sorts of shapes and colours. And they all seemed to be giggling at him too.

Then, he saw _her_. A veritable goddess, with a nice set of curves. And he meant _nice_ in the sense that he wasn't going to see her face for at least another few minutes, even as she sashayed over to him.

"What are you staring at, freak?" she snapped, grabbing his face physically and turning it upward away from her ample bosom. The violence of this action knocked off the ratty baseball cap, letting down a cascade of luxurious silver hair that glittered and shone in the sunlight and exposing Yazoo's fair face to everyone in the area. There was a collective intake of breath.

In the next moment, the world exploded into a riot of colour and sound. Confused, Yazoo let himself be dragged off to, presumably, safety. What the hell just happened? And why did he smell blood in the air?

"Sorry about that," drawled the 'goddess'. "The girls get a little excited when they see a fresh face here. But I saw you first."

"Sorry…?" Once more, Yazoo found his eyes drifted downwards. Once more, a pair of hands firmly redirected his gaze. He found himself staring into a pair of intensely dark chocolate eyes that sparkled with some mysterious inner light. Her face was as beautiful as her body and, best of all, her hair was a lustrous sheet of midnight. He slowly became aware that his mouth was wide open.

"My name is Maremaria Shuzette Delacour," she cooed to him. "But my friends call me Mary Sue. What's your name, cutie?"

"Y… Yazoo," he stammered. In spite of all his bravado and bluster, he had never really _talked_ to a woman before. Sure, there had been those discreet encounters in alleyways when he found the time to escape his brothers, but those hardly counted. He wasn't just looking for a lay; he was looking for a girlfriend.

To stop his brothers from obsessing over him.

Reminded of his mission, Yazoo snapped back into focus. He offered a smile to… Mary Sue, was it? "I'm pleased to meet you, Miss," he continued, flicking back his hair casually in an extremely nonchalantly sexy way that made Mary Sue tremble in delight.

What was the next step again? Oh, yea, the date. "Would you like to go out for a meal with me?"

His goddess giggled charmingly. Then, a little more seriously, "Only if you change out of that godawful outfit."

-

At first, when they'd entered the village, they weren't sure that they were in the right place. After all, these villages popped out like mushrooms after storms, conveniently. Then they heard about the carnage that had resulted around a 'beautiful silver-haired man' who had 'the fashion sense of a dead and rotting llama'. Yea, they were in the right place alright.

It was creepy though. Everywhere they went, they felt eyes on them, but when they turned to look, there was no one there.

"Are you sure he's here?" asked Loz finally, edging ever closer to his little brother.

"I saw tire tracks," confirmed Kadaj, discreetly stepping nearer his elder brother as well. "And silver hair isn't that common, last I checked."

They smelt it before they saw it, the area where the riot had occurred. Blood and perfumes infused the air with a sickly sweet smell that induced nausea. Broken mirrors, acrylic nails and compacts littered the ground. _But there was no one there anymore._

As one, the two silver-haired men turned slowly to face the presence that had been tailing them.

They screamed.

-

"Hrm?"

"What is it, darling?" asked Mary Sue, looking up from her calorie-free float at her new prize catch. The look on his face was just adorably confused that she had to giggle.

Now clad in a flowing midnight blue poet's shirt and skinny jeans, he was the picture of perfection, all elegance and poise. He also thought he had just heard his brothers screaming. But that was ridiculous. What in the world could make _them_ scream in fear like that?

"Nothing, dear," he replied, gagging slightly at the second word. Alright, so he wasn't used to this. But for the sake of his sanity (sanity? Hah!), he needed to do this. "I was just thinking that I'd like you to meet my brothers."

Brothers? Her eyes lit up slyly. What were the chances that his brothers would look as good and have better fashion senses? "Brothers?" she echoed, brushing her hand 'accidentally' against his. "If they're anything like you, I'd love to meet them."

The next few moments happened like this:

The door slammed open, admitting two black and silver blurs before promptly slamming shut. There were a few thuds on said door. Tables and chairs migrated to the doorway to keep the door from opening again. Yazoo stood up, mouth slightly parted in shock.

Mary Sue finished one blink.

By this time, the two black and silver blurs had attached themselves to him like barnacles to a whale.

"Help! They're going to EAT us!" wailed Loz, hugging Yazoo so tightly around the neck that the elder brother was beginning to turn blue.

"You bastard! Why the hell did you have to come into this godforsaken place?" yelled Kadaj, hugging Yazoo around the waist and 'accidentally' repeatedly molesting his eldest brother.

The next second found one silver haired man landing on and breaking a nearby table and the other pinned by Yazoo's foot, which was placed in a very, very uncomfortable area.

Then there was silence, save for the muffled screams from outside.

"Uh, Yazoo…"

"Do you want to have kids at some point in the future?" demanded Yazoo in a frightening calm voice.

"No, can't say I've ever thought about…!" Kadaj let out a very out-of-character squeak when his eldest brother increased pressure on his foot.

"How about sex?" Step.

"I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Yazoo was going to savour this moment forever. The great and mighty Kadaj apologising? To him? A soft giggle interrupted his moment of evil triumph.

Three pairs of green eyes turned to the black haired bombshell.

"Your brothers?" she laughed.


End file.
